How to Create Your Own Musician Bio
If you are a professional musician, or if you are simply trying to masquerade as one while you wait for your career to “really take off” (meaning you get two paying gigs in as many months), then you have had to compose your own Musician Biography for your website or concert program. Sometimes these biographies are disguised as other names, such as Curriculum Vitae (Latin for ‘An Exercise in Narcissism’) or more simply, “About” (if you are Canadian, “Aboot”)
The requirements for a Musician Biography are rather simple: List all major events since birth and make it sound vitally important to your musical education. There is a definite pattern to laying out a good biography, so let me walk you through the process.
To begin, state your name and your instruments— your main one and your spare because you are a Brilliant Musical Prodigy. Did you take 4 lessons on the piano before deciding to switch to the oboe? Then you qualify to be “ also an accomplished pianist”. If you took 10+ years of piano, you can put that you are “ additionally a concert pianist”, even if you only practiced on the day before your lesson and your senior recital piece was “Happy Penguin Dance”.
Most biographies then include a quote (or seven) from a prominent musician, stating their perception of you, the artist. A good, usable quote should contain some combination of the words “plaintive”, “mesmerizing”, “skill”, and “rising star”. It is beneficial if the quote is spoken by an orchestra conductor or famous person in your instrumental field, but quotes by saxophone players are generally discouraged, as it’s widely known that they always like everybody.
“Dude! Have you heard Jimmy play the triangle? He ROCKS it; he is so LIT!”
— Sam “The Animal” Stevens, alto saxophonist
Next, you should detail the precocious emergence of your musical abilities as a child. If you are lucky and your parents were very proactive during your childhood, they will have documented your every achievement and you will have a nice, long list of Important Musical Milestones from which to choose.
Example: Pianist Rupert Humphrey von Snitchfield IV was born with perfect pitch, as evidenced by his first wail in the delivery room; a high G that harmonized nicely with the beeping monitors tuned in the key of E minor.
But perhaps your parents weren’t as on top of things. Perhaps they did not realize that their little bundle of joy would someday aspire to be a professional clarinet player instead of something more respectable, like a narcotics dealer. (Though it has been proven possible to do both.) Writing about the discovery of your musical gifts might prove more difficult, but with a touch of creativity, this is not an insurmountable task!
Example: While on his school’s annual Sixth Grade field trip to the local symphony’s Young People’s Concert, Tommy O’Malley got to test out the French horn, using it make very rude noises. From that point on, a life-long love affair with the horn began.
Once the early childhood years are covered, the real meat (or mushroom burger, if you are vegetarian) of the biography begins: THE LIST. It is in THE LIST that all of your important achievements are named and categorized. And obviously, the more names, prominent schools, and famous organizations in THE LIST, the better musician you must be. When in doubt, put everything.
Example: Rupert Humphrey von Snitchfield IV studied at the Box Butte County College in Nebraska and has once walked through the corridors of the Juilliard School in New York City, after he snuck past the security guards. He has performed with the Walla-Walla Symphony, the North American League for the Advancement of Left-Handed Musicians Philharmonia (the NALALHMP, for short), and the Northwestern Kansas Community Youth Orchestra. He has played in masterclasses throughout North and South Dakota, working with such esteemed pianists as Ms. Edna-May Budd and Ms. Doreen Clutterbuck. He is a first-prize winner in numerous competitions, including one in which he was not the only entrant. Future engagements include performances at the Lynchfield Annual Rotary Club Dinner, and an American Idol pre-screening audition.
Once you have finished THE LIST, your biography is on it’s way to being completed and ready to wow the dozens of people who actually take the time to read it on your website. All that’s left is the Humanizing Aspect. This is anything that makes you appear like a fun-loving, wildly captivating, adventure-seeking sort of person; sort of like James Bond or ‘The Most Interesting Man in the World’ from those Dos Equis beer commercials.
However, most professional musicians simply have not had the time to acquire the necessary skills for shark-wrangling or spelunking. After spending hours in poorly-lit practice rooms, and also because of the fear of ruining their hands, most musicians are only qualified for such hobbies as Reading, Juggling, or Jogging. If you are Russian, or from any country that was once part of the former Soviet Union, it is understood that your hobby will be Chess. Similarly, if you are female, it is encouraged that you enjoy Baking. But you don’t have to fall into these stereotypes! Feel free to really let loose and allow your fascinating personality to shine through the final sentence or quote of your biography; after all, it’s the last thing the reader will remember about you.
Example: “Alison Beck is, like, totally a mesmerizing pianist, and you should see her skill at Taxidermy! Completely slays it!”
— Sam “The Animal” Stevens, alto saxophonist